Sunday, January 9, 2011

Versus The World

by The Usual Suspect

I watched 2010 sink like a ship laden with the corpses of my failures and turned my back on it completely. The debt and the baggage comes with into this year of course, but not my patience. I waited for my turn like a good little tool until I realized that the meek don't inherit the earth. They are trampled into it.

The second attempt at college was a complete failure, resulting in more debt that I will be paying back. And then that's it. I don't think I'll try to use the GI Bill ever again. Too many open palms need that money, and I'd rather go it alone at this point. Six months of busting my ass will get me back to square one, June 2009 again. From where I sit, that sounds great.

Now, I enjoy bitching about the V.A. as much as the next vet, but I'd be excrementally fucked if it weren't for them. PTSD + TBI = one lost motherfucker. I'm seeing a therapist, a speech therapist (it's all brain related, homie), starting Voc Rehab next month, and I have some income thanks to disability. Just enough to hold it together, never enough to make it work.

And that's why I applied at Taco Bell. I didn't get a response of course, despite the sign in the window saying they were hiring. Starting to think I've got some dark cloud over my head that everyone else can see but I can't. My next resume will not list the Army, just as an experiment. This is a hippie liberal town. It would probably help.

So whatever, in short, I've got a shit sandwich to chew through and no more time to waste. You're fucking nuts if you think I'm going to come back to my own country and live in squalor. PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAAAA HAAAA!!!

No, I just want a middle class existence. Get out of this cabin in the woods outside of town and get my own apartment. Be a real person again. Basic cable. Discovery Channel and cooking shows. Buying my own groceries with my own money, cooking my own food, not having to leech off of others. Paycheck to paycheck. Independent. Whole again. Iraq sucked sometimes, but there, you had your buddies. Here in the world, all that is gone. You can tell yourself that you can maintain friendships with Facebook but come on, let's be honest. It's a fucking rolodex.

Hell, most of your old civilian friends will bail on you after you've "changed", but the V.A. is still there. And they've got employees that do care. Why give the halfass ones all the publicity? Just ask their names and complain about them. Maybe they'll get shitcanned and some new hires will come in and work harder. After all, this is America. Dog eat dog. Bring steak sauce.


KathyB said...

Welcome back, Suspect. You have been missed. Your voice is your own.

VA does many things well. A lot of things on their plate. They suffered many years of less than benign neglect. Can't go from institutional starvation to handling the demands of veterans from ongoing multiple theaters of war on a dime. Glad your brain is getting attention.

Yes, ptsd and tbi go together. Hell, now that football players are being held out of games for "concussion clearance" there is hope for the whole field of treatment. Priorities tend toward entertainment industry, but science is science.

Would say take care, but it sounds like you are doing that. Warms my heart, thank you,

Anonymous said...

Good plan, man.

Anonymous said...

My god, it's good to have back in the saddle!!!! I was worried. You're still kicking, dude; still above ground. That's a good place to start.
Re the military experience and jobs, don't worry about it. Back in the day, I hired a few Vietnam vets. Some of them worked out, and some of them didn't. Exactly like the general population. What an employer looks for is reliable, honest, easy to get along with, and someone who has their interests in mind. Be flexible. Don't hold on to shit. Relax.

Showing up with a smile on your face every day goes a long fucking way.

This is your life. Make it yours, don't let old reflexes get in the way.

It's a big old world, but you're not alone in it. BEST!!! z

Anonymous said...

I don't know if your therapist has spoken to you about inpatient/residential treatment for the PTSD or not. There is a program through the Cinicinnati VA that specializes in treating the TBI/PTSD combo. I have heard really good feedback on it from vets who have been.

You can read more about it here . The clinician referral packet they talk about on the website is actually pretty easy to complete and your therapist should be able to do it if you want to apply.

bigD said...

I am still with you in heart and spirit, always. Rolodex friends disappear when more than superficial cliches and platitudes are required. Your true friends will remain and sometimes new ones, better ones, will be found. Those friends will accept you as you are now. They will be patient and supportive as you work through the old and create the new. They will help you find the joy and teach you the words to the songs of the heart.

Ryan, please be patient and gentle with yourself. If you give me the address to the cabin in the woods, I will come and give you a hug. I am sure that will solve everything...and well, if that fails, at least I could take you out and buy you a different kind of sandwich.

Life is every day Ryan, it is the now. I wish I could learn that lesson myself. I am still struggling...always in danger of being trampled, sometimes it seems easier to lie down. I promise to help you up whenever you are feeling trampled.

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one” ~C.S. Lewis

If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change. ~Buddha

God(s) bless you Ryan. You still rock my socks. with fond regard, Diane

Sisu said...

Suspect, I'm so glad to hear from you...missed you. I can't add anything new after what has already been posted here. Thinking about you and wishing the best for you.

lorraine said...

Suspect: Still here too. Microwaving shit sandwiches - I hate them cold. Wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better but it doesn't happen like that. Good to be getting help for TBI - it causes more problems than people know. Take care and straight ahead for 2011. With much love.

Pattie Matheson said...


Etel said...

I don't think there's a harm in re-wording some things in your resume. Instead of including the army on the resume, maybe say you traveled a bit, haha. That's not untrue.

Like you said, try it out, experiment with you resume a bit. I wanted to get into the serving industry to make tips, as all I know is minimum wage. I hosted at a restaurant, they made me expedite food and drinks all the time. I told people the drink menu and a little about our feature menu. This place never promoted. They told me that straight up. On my next resume I put "server" instead of "hostess" and got my friend to agree to say she was my supervisor.

As you said, dog eat dog. They find out you're lying, they won't hire you, but were they even going to hire you if you were under qualified? Try both. Some honest resumes and some embellished resumes. As long as you're a hard worker I don't see an employer regretting hiring you as long as you pick up the job fast. Every new job they train you regardless.

Also, here are some other job suggestions as I don't know you, but I can't stand the idea of you working at Taco Bell:

Bank teller (cushy bank job)

Book seller/cashier (I've been working at a bookstore for a couple years along with school and it is the most laid back job ever. And since you're a good writer, I figure you read and you'll enjoy recommending books to people.

Server (at least you make good tips if you work hard and it's always easy to find other serving jobs once you have the experience)

Loss Prevention person (We have these people at the bookstore. They catch shoplifters and one of them told me it was good money.)

Security (Pays more than minimum wage if you don't mind working late and pacing/thinking/not talking to people for hours) You might need to take a short course or something for the security job, I don't know, but it's better money than Taco Bell. That I am certain of.

membrain said...

Suspect. Pattie alerted me to this post. All I have to offer are good thoughts. Not much, I know, but at least some, like the above are thinking of you.

All the best.

NUGHT said...

lol.... just keep riding the rollercoaster man...