Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Not Fucking Working

by The Usual Suspect

I worked in a video store when I was in high school. The store wasn't all that functional and had a lot of employee problems. Finally someone said, "Hold it! This has got to go!" and cleaned house. They canned the manager and brought someone else in to unfuck the store. When something doesn't work, you evaluate the situation, form a plan, and then you go make the changes you see fit, right?

I didn't set myself to be hirable over every other underachiever out there. That's why finding work is a bitch. It isn't that the resume has the Army on it, it's that there isn't anything else on it. So to Hell with pride, resumes are going to start going to fast food joints, too if that's what it takes.

"Dude...just go back to college."

Funny story. A while after I dropped out, the VA must've gotten around to my GI Bill paperwork, because I started getting money. I used the money to pay my overdue bills and get my head above water, assuming that the VA would want that discrepancy settled before we could try school again.

So, Priority One is income. A job. No ifs about it, that has to happen and soon.

Meanwhile, the anger and hostility has gotten well beyond the limits of normal. You're not supposed to feel this cut off from your own people. Spending way too much time in a dark place, and it isn't benefitting anyone. I've sent an application to a reputed in-patient PTSD rehabilitation center. Fix what isn't working and keep on trucking.

6 comments:

lorraine said...

Fix what isn't working and keep on trucking. Sounds like good advice. Same goes for lots of lifes traumatic losses and sorrows. I am fortunate to have a son that tells me to fucking knock off the bullshit pity party - be sad, mad or whatever but look up and keep going. That is about all you can too. Love ya from afar and know that you will work it out - it is a daily job. lorraine

bigD said...

Dear Suspect,
Take it from one who is in her own dark place...it is not fun. I applaud your honesty and your ability to recognize a problem and do something to "fix it." (Reminds me of the Kennan sketch on SNL - the old man dude who just screams "FIX IT!" all the time to a myriad of complex problems. Do you know what I am talking about?)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_laaxl1EKqQ&feature=related

Anyway, all kidding aside...I think it's great that you are seeking help for PTSD. These are good decisions you are making Ryan. If this center doesn't work out, keeping searching. Help is out there.

Now that you have your head above water, keep swimming! God(s) bless you Ryan. You still rock my socks!

KathyB said...

Suspect, Thank you for taking this step to take care of yourself. It is not easy to fight an enemy with outposts in your head -- paraphrase of a statement from one of my daughter's "homework" books during intensive therapy years.

I know patience is in short supply, but suffering fools who are working to help you help yourself is worth it. And it is work, but work that will lay a foundation for the rest of your life.

Twice I put my daughter in a safe place with monitors and a bracelet that wouldn't let the elevator door close behind her. She knew she needed to be there. My mother spent time in state run hospitals back when tranks were the answer to all questions for women. She eventually found someone who would only give her vitamins and work to do. She never had to go back in.

Wishing you all the best and believing in you. No two lives are the same. Your path will unfold before you. You are so very worth working on. No quick fixes but loving care needed.

Pattie Matheson said...

What they said.

Funny, just the other day I wrote to someone somewhere about a former soldier who demands he be listened to with regard to PTSD. .

That voice is is hollering from your core to let Suspect go and let Ryan out of your back pocket.

If you were paying attention over the years you've learned enough about me to know I was very self destructive at one point in my life.

It took several false starts before I found a therapist who could reach me. She keyed in on ME and took our sessions out of her office into the desert. She came along at a time when money was really tight so we bartered. It was a difficult, sometimes scary process.

I VIVIDLY remember feeling trapped in a memory. I remember sitting there in the sun, very aware that there were two of me and being scared to death my therapist couldn't get me out of the memory, that I was going to stay there forever. Turns out there actually were two of me, my head and my heart, trying to function at cross purposes.

Once we knew what to zero in on it became an up and down road full of learning moments. One that sticks with me is being hooked up to a machine that monitored BP, etc and watching as the monitor clearly showed me shutting myself down when asked about "the bad stuff" -- which totally explained the results of the only lie detector test I ever took. But more importantly, it showed clearly that I was in charge of me.

The bad memories are still there somewhere but they don't own me anymore. Kinda like they're in the Recycle Bin. It took me some time to get past the anger stage -*chuckling* there was something very therapeutic about four letter words and tears and banging things around. Go figure. That was the hardest part because I couldn't change anything that had happened and there was nobody to confront.

Can't put the moment of change at any particular point but I do remember the point at which I realized I was there. I was standing in line at a 2nd hand clothing store and the lady in front of me said to the checker "I don't get how you always stay so positive". And the answer popped right out of my big mouth - it's a choice. Gives me chills remembering it. The checker just smiled at me and said "yeah".

The process is no cakewalk but weighed against being free of it the rest of your life makes it a no-brainer.

Try this. Grab a 3x5 card, go back thru your blog and jot down the names of your readers. Then tuck it in your back pocket and carry it with you when you go into care.
Every one of those names represents a prayer for your ultimate success.

Love ya man,

~P~

Anonymous said...

Shit man, what state are you currently in? If you were in Arizona, I could get you a job managing a pizza shop.

NUGHT said...

hey bro i believe where i work is hiring.. i can talk to a few people and find out for you... lol, im sure you have the skill set.