by The Usual Suspect
Being a civilian is awesome, but if you're young and doubly awesome like me, you know that money goes quickly. That's why I've devised my latest get-rich-and-fuck-everyone-else scheme.
A book. It'll be called The Deploying Soldier's Handbook or something along those lines. It will feature chapters such as "Jody", "Collateral Damage", "Places To Masturbate", "The Kids Are Thieves", "The Hot Chow Game", "When Friends Start Dying", "Lies To Watch Out For", and "The Trick Is To Stare Until It Doesn't Bother You Anymore (This Also Goes For Weird Porn)" among many wonderful and informative others. Guaranteed to beef up recruitment numbers.
This Summer's Totals!
Evictions: 0 (I know, right?)
Arrests: 0 (Sneakier than diarrhea.)
Foodborne Illnesses: 0, possibly 1.
Hangovers: [Figures are inaccurate and inconclusive]
Weight Gain: 5 to 10 pounds.
Guitars Destroyed: 1/2
States Visited: 5
Bullets Fired: 0
Obscenities Screamed At Liberal Yuppie Subaru Drivers: 9,000+
Conversations With Hippies: 1
Conversations With Homeless Army Rangers: 1
Bone-Breaking Weapon Disarms Learned From Homeless Army Rangers: 3
Bone-Breaking Weapon Disarms Remembered: 1/2?
Times Kicked In Head By Girlfriend: 1
Times Slapped, Punched, Poked, Pinched, Or Ass-kicked By Girlfriend: 56
VA Appointments: 6
Kilos Of Heroin Smuggled Over The Canadian Border (Anally): 0
Pure Profit: $0.00
Flies Caught Barehanded: 2
Metal Shows Attended: 7
Times Relied On GPS: 29
Gay Indie Songs Playing Upon Starting Car That Girlfriend Borrowed Earlier: 7,633
Projected Future Slappings: 0
Realistic Estimate Of Tomorrow's Slappings: 2
Times Doused With Water (In A Display Of Feminine Outrage): 0?
Children Frightened While Wearing Gorilla Mask: 1
Children Successfully Communicated Amiable Intentions To While Wearing Gorilla Mask: 0
Anticipated Beatings Related To Scaring Children With Gorilla Mask: 1-7
Received Beatings: 0
Times Tricked Into Drinking Dip Spit While Believing It's Jaegermeister: 1
Times Spat Afterwards: 12
Statistics Made Up In This Post: 78
People Who Will Skim To The Bottom: 48% (Another 34% will have stopped reading once the absence of boobies has been noted).
Hills Hiked: 2
Creepy Dogs (With Flashlights On Their Collar) Followed By: 1
Fish Caught: 8
Fish Worth Bragging About: 0
(Known) Social Faux Pas(whatever): 4
Times Pulled Over: 1
Asses Kissed: [Innumerable]
Swear Words Taught To Children: 0-3?
Successful Schemes: 1
Pillagings: 0... 3
Carpets Ruined: 1 (People cut dingleberries out of dog fur, so I can fix it...and no, it isn't poop.)
Paint Jobs Fucked Up: 1
Specific Color Of Paint To Identify, Purchase, And Re-apply: 1
Leases Signed: 0
Money Borrowed: $0.00
Fuck, I know, I gotta get off my ass and start having a good time, but I've just been so lazy...