by The Usual Suspect
A book. It'll be called The Deploying Soldier's Handbook or something along those lines. It will feature chapters such as "Jody", "Collateral Damage", "Places To Masturbate", "The Kids Are Thieves", "The Hot Chow Game", "When Friends Start Dying", "Lies To Watch Out For", and "The Trick Is To Stare Until It Doesn't Bother You Anymore (This Also Goes For Weird Porn)" among many wonderful and informative others. Guaranteed to beef up recruitment numbers.
This Summer's Totals!
Evictions: 0 (I know, right?)
Arrests: 0 (Sneakier than diarrhea.)
Foodborne Illnesses: 0, possibly 1.
Hangovers: [Figures are inaccurate and inconclusive]
Weight Gain: 5 to 10 pounds.
Guitars Destroyed: 1/2
States Visited: 5
Bullets Fired: 0
Obscenities Screamed At Liberal Yuppie Subaru Drivers: 9,000+
Conversations With Hippies: 1
Conversations With Homeless Army Rangers: 1
Bone-Breaking Weapon Disarms Learned From Homeless Army Rangers: 3
Bone-Breaking Weapon Disarms Remembered: 1/2?
Times Kicked In Head By Girlfriend: 1
Times Slapped, Punched, Poked, Pinched, Or Ass-kicked By Girlfriend: 56
VA Appointments: 6
Kilos Of Heroin Smuggled Over The Canadian Border (Anally): 0
Pure Profit: $0.00
Flies Caught Barehanded: 2
Metal Shows Attended: 7
Times Relied On GPS: 29
Gay Indie Songs Playing Upon Starting Car That Girlfriend Borrowed Earlier: 7,633
Projected Future Slappings: 0
Realistic Estimate Of Tomorrow's Slappings: 2
Times Doused With Water (In A Display Of Feminine Outrage): 0?
Children Frightened While Wearing Gorilla Mask: 1
Children Successfully Communicated Amiable Intentions To While Wearing Gorilla Mask: 0
Anticipated Beatings Related To Scaring Children With Gorilla Mask: 1-7
Received Beatings: 0
Times Tricked Into Drinking Dip Spit While Believing It's Jaegermeister: 1
Times Spat Afterwards: 12
Statistics Made Up In This Post: 78
People Who Will Skim To The Bottom: 48% (Another 34% will have stopped reading once the absence of boobies has been noted).
Hills Hiked: 2
Creepy Dogs (With Flashlights On Their Collar) Followed By: 1
Fish Caught: 8
Fish Worth Bragging About: 0
(Known) Social Faux Pas(whatever): 4
Times Pulled Over: 1
Tickets: 0
Asses Kissed: [Innumerable]
Swear Words Taught To Children: 0-3?
Successful Schemes: 1
Pillagings: 0... 3
Carpets Ruined: 1 (People cut dingleberries out of dog fur, so I can fix it...and no, it isn't poop.)
Paint Jobs Fucked Up: 1
Specific Color Of Paint To Identify, Purchase, And Re-apply: 1
Leases Signed: 0
Money Borrowed: $0.00
Fuck, I know, I gotta get off my ass and start having a good time, but I've just been so lazy...
16 comments:
The dip spit one was classic!
Well - at least you're debt free.
~P~
slightly-left-of-center-non-yuppie-badass-WRX-driver almost offended: 1.
Love to hear from you no matter what. Don't worry about having fun, living free is fun enough. I think your book is a good idea. It will save guys time looking for places to masturbate - such time consumption could be used more wisely. You have much to teach - take care and keep writing. love lorraine
I miss you! Going through some rough times. Thanks for the chuckles. Sounds like you are having some fun and your sense of humor is still in full gear. Kudos to the girlfriend tryin' to keep your rowdy ass in line. Gods bless you Ryan. I think of you often and I wish you the best always.
You write it, I'll buy it! Thanks for starting my day off with a huge laugh.
You instigators keep encouraging me, and maybe I will. Then the Extreme Right Reich will run me down like a dog, but atleast newer generations will know how to spot Jody. I heard that artillery impact areas are places that people never bother to go into. Don't blame me when you get caught trying to bury that piece of shit though.
Really though, every Jody deserves to be raped and murdered in the deep backwoods.
I also dabble in writing children's stories.
Actually sounds like a pretty good idea! Do what you know, and you know getting by! Use it. z
write that book. i'm not even in the army and i'd fucking read it.
Way to make your sweet, wonderful girlfriend sound like an abusive wench.
You are SO getting your ass kicked when you get home with a swift "Bitch, get in that kitchen!!".
good to hear from you again suspect. The idea for the book is excellent. write it, and living free wont be in issue. you'll make bank.
How about the important things like fu*king?
Sounds like you're having a supiciously good time. Keep it up. A book would be nice. You could put the part about the combat jerk that you deketed in it;-)
You're here with Stoploss, and I'm an ignorant asshole who doesn't pay enough attention when reading shit. I'm glad you're still blogging too. Between the two of you, I expect both great and horrible things.
This is one of the funnier things I've read in weeks. Part of me was waiting for the 'priceless' at the end though..
You may be my new hero...wait the fuck up, I just remembered that I hate everybody...
except you---drive on...
Lazy Army Hating Lieutenants impressed? 1
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