Friday, July 10, 2009

Barf Me Out, Gag Me with a Spoon!

by 13 Stoploss

Going back to school can be a bit overwhelming. I’m not the most assertive guy around, and I had a good bit of help from the Missus in dealing with the Bureaucracy. You see, after registering with a school, you have to take all sorts of placement tests. These don’t really measure real world stuff, and they don’t score you any higher or favorably for carrying a loaded M4 around in some other desert country.

When I registered, I wasn’t yet going back to school full time, but instead, played it smart by wanting to enroll in an online class. Just one or two a semester, however many I could table while working full time, until I could go back to school full time.

Well, they made me take these tests with a bunch of stoner high school kids who all talked like they were either baked, or from the valley. These were the kids without ambition, who didn’t apply to any colleges, and didn’t care about grades in High School.

I remember there was this slacker in front of me, and this cute, young girl in front of him. He was bronzed, with wavy, sandy hair, and held a pencil in one hand, and a skateboard in the other. The girl in front was keeping to herself, busied by a cell phone, and trying not to attract the attention of every guy in room, because she was, like, soo hawt.

The skater asks her in that faded drawl, “Hey, what test are you taking?”

“Uhm, like, just the math one.”

“Oh—no way. Me too.”

“I totally shouldn’t have to be here. I got, like, a C in Algebra 2 last semester.”

“Oh—no way. That totally blows. What school did you go to?”

“Uhm, just like, ________________ High School.”

“Oh—no way, me too! So, like, do you know ___________?”

“I think so. Is she, like, friends with ________________?”

“Oh, yeah, I know that dude. Is he still dating _______________?”

“I dunno. I think they like, broke up.”

“Oh—no way. So, like… what are you doing tonight?”

“Uhm, I dunno, prolly, just like, hanging out.”

“Oh… you want to go to a party?”

“Uhm, sure. Okay. Do you drive?”

“Yeah, I’ve got a Wrangler. What’s your number?”

And so it goes.

They sat next to each other, and I struggled to contain my amazement. I tore through both the English and Math placement tests before they both finished the Math. It was just a formality for me as I had already taken the Writing 1 equivalent, and only answered half the Math questions.

Sometime later, I received my results, and enrolled in a Political Science class online. The placement recommended I take some basic Math classes, and that I start with Writing 1.

By the time I was ready to enroll full time, I had switched to the other campus in the school system. It was closer to home, nicer, and according to some peer reviews, was the better institution. When that Canadian asshole CEO guy fired me for reporting to my National Guard duty, he did say one thing in the phone conversation that I won’t forget, and that was that I didn’t need to be in a job like that. He said he was actually doing me a favor.

So it goes.


Kyle S said...

So it goes. I love that. Do you read much of Kurt Vonnegut?

Anonymous said...

Yes, he did you a favor. It sounds like school is what you need! I know the kids sound stupid...sift through the herd, you'll find some peers. Uh, may take a while...z

13 Stoploss said...

Kyle S-- I want to read more. Still thumbing through Catch-22 at the moment...

Z--more coming when I get a chance. :)

Anonymous said...

OMG! Our country is like in...SO much trouble. Know whutimean?

But there is you and Suspect, so do what you can to edjumicate, K?