Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Guard Dogs

by The Usual Suspect

Reintegrating into the civilian world is clunky sometimes. There are things that stay with you. For example, when one of my dogs started spazzing out, growling and barking at something in the hallway bathroom, I noted that I'd left the front door open. The dog was completely flipping her shit, something I'd never seen her do, so I got a 7" KA-BAR (a motherfucking RAMBO knife) and another 3" one out of my car.

The dog was still baring fangs and taking an attack stance, so I flipped the hallway light on and listened for some sort of reaction. Nothing. So it's either a small animal trying not to make a peep, or someone who's very patient and not afraid of canines. I nudged the dog aside and stepped through the doorway, the "fatal funnel" as it's called.

The bathroom is dark, and as I come around the corner, a human figure is standing there, with a large grin. All I see is black clothes, wide eyes, and teeth. I lunged, and almost stabbed a Hillary Clinton cardboard cutout.

Good dog though.


Kelsey said...

The obvious question I have in response to this situation is: why exactly do you have a Hillary Clinton cardboard cutout?

Red said...

I must admit, this question also occurred to me.

Fox said...

Poor Hilary! hahahaha! This is the best story ever. She's been through a lot living with you, and it would be sad for her to have to go out like that.

You're doing pretty well at home from the sounds of it.

But seriously, kid. Relax and take a break for once.

bigD said...

Hi Suspect,
1. How many dogs do you have? And what are their names and what kind of dogs are they? I used to have a Golden who would open the door and welcome people to our home...good that yours are the more territorial type.

2. Why are you carrying large knives around in your car?

3. The "fatal funnel"? That sounds very scary and is that like a distant cousin to Satan's funnel?

4. What was Hillary Clinton doing in your bathroom? Hiding from Obama or cleaning the bathroom?

Good dog..good story! Looking forward to more clunky goodness.
Take care Ryan.

Anonymous said...

Suspect, you're a dip. God, you make me laugh. We love you! z

Anonymous said...

Btw, you've been away from your dogs for a while, so their behavior patterns are adapting and re-integrating with yours. You've never seen your dog flip like that before, and they've never smelled the smells or seen the visual signals before that you're putting out now. Like Billie Holiday said, "You've Changed." If you're going to be in a heightened state of awareness, they are going to be in a heightened state of awareness, cause they're Good Dogs. z

Arli said...

Great story, but I really want to know what Hillary was doing in your bathroom, and does Bill know?

Shari said...

Clearly Suspect was constipated and needed/keeps Hillary in the bathroom to "scare the shit" outta him! I know it would work for me....

rayanne said...

My husband had a life size Marilyn Monroe cut out. I can understand that. I don't think I want to understand the Hilary cut out. And in your bathroom no less. Closing my eyes, covering my ears.

Anonymous said...

Suspect is a notorious impulse buyer.

You just can't take him anywhere... ;)

The Usual Suspect said...

The Hillary cutout was on sale in a mall for like five bucks. They'd already sold the McCain one, and he wasn't scary. There's just something about that Hillary that'll catch you off guard.

I had set it up in the bathroom upstairs to give everyone a scare when they went by. Worked on the dog, and I forgot I put it there. Happens all the time.

Someone else went and put it in my bathroom. My friend came out of there about five minutes ago, laughing at himself. I was about to grab a plunger when he explained that he saw a human figure in the mirror, standing behind him, and scared the hell out of him.

That's my Hillary.

themorethingschange... said...

LOL! Good one!!

Five bucks, huh. Imagine what Limbaugh could do with that.

The comment above about your dogs reacting to the "different" you is right on.

Isn't it great to be with them again! Nothing like the love between wo/man and dog.